wishonbrknstars' Journal
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Saturday, August 15, 2009
i feel like im bacl to where i started
i am still me
and it still sucks
i cant take it but some where along the line i have grown to love it.
Monday, January 1, 2007
he went out of his way for her
he wanted his way with her
he tryed so hard to make me cry
but all i could do was hide
he looked at her
we fucked there
we fucked right there
you fucked me right there
and now your doing it again.
this is NOT a movie
this is my own real life
this could never prove me
to be more than just some spite.
i never knew this about you
i never knew this was real
so this is how it feels
my heart is like your final meal
cause soon ill be gone
this is all just so wrong.
we fucked on that couch
you fucked me again.
you wanted me ruined for the night
but i wasnt strong i couldnt fight
i never knew such fucking pain
i never knew this hurt to claim
you wanted me to make my cry
but all i could do was die
you had all of me tonight
and now you haven taken my life.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
9:32AM
baby lets leave this place
i dont belong here
just take me far away
too many scars here
please be my time capsule
my only time capsule
hold these painful memories
hold them all for me
why does everything seem so wrong
we never had love
NEVER HAD LOVE
your a bad person
just a horrible person
get away from me
i wanna be set free
fucking misory
Friday, December 22, 2006
I hear some one behind me. I turn to look. The dim sun behind the clouds shines outstandingly bright on him, compared to how dull everything else seems to be. He smiles at me. I smile back. An overwhelming feeling comes over me. Happiness that seems so foreign and yet so familiar. I love this person. Who ever he may be. I am in love with him. This is gone as quickly as it came. Panic surges through my body, as a loud blaring sounds jolts me conscious. I look over at my alarm clock. Six A.M. Same dream I've had over and over again. But today was definitely not another ordinary day. Well to me it was, but to everyone seemed to have this idea in their heads that the same day you were born is a very big celebration where you have to bother this person all day. Don't get me wrong. Birthdays can be a lot of fun, when your five years old, but I just don't understand what the BIG deal is. And of all birthdays, sixteen. Why did this have to happen today. As i sit in bed, dreading the moment i walk downstairs and get pummeled with a ridiculous amount of attention from my parents, who by the way I love dearly, i wonder to myself. I wonder if maybe i just lie here a few more minutes it will all just not happen. Knowing how ridiculous this is, I decide to get up and face my fate. It's not that I dislike people being nice to me or anything, I'm just not that into attention. And I've just been feeling out of it lately. Like everyday is just another day, and I'm doing it for no reason at all. If you can imagine, feeling like this isn't exactly motivating. As I slowly slip out of my satin sheets, the cold air hits me. I grab a blanket and rap it around me. I slip on some slippers and start my journey down stairs. As soon as i get to the bottom step my mom jumps up and gives me a big hug. "Happy Birthday sweetheart, oh big sixteen, how exciting!" she starts. She and my dad go on about it for a few minutes, as I fake my enthusiasm. Well maybe not enthusiasm, but at least I pretended to care. Mom made my favorite for breakfast which i greatly appreciated, and knew I needed if I was planning on getting through the day.I'm a pretty quiet girl and i like to keep to myself. No one really knows that I hate people giving me ridiculous attention, or just doing anything to make others look at me. I would like to think that people liked me enough that they wouldn't do these things if they really knew. But they didn't know and I wasn't about to say anything. So as I start to eat my green tea muffins and sip away at my hot chai tea, i start to think about what the day has planned out for me and how it is all going to go down. I begin at homeroom, and journey through how my day was going to play out. Having to put on perky smile all day instead of running and hiding in a corner, you can kind of imagine i was dreading it. Trying to take my mind off of it, i start thinking about that dream that like many other times, i had last night. I never seam to remember what actually happens, all I can ever remember is seeing this boy. We're on the beach and I'ts foggy outside. Then i see him, and everything starts to get a little brighter. I am filled with a feeling that I wouldn't even know how to describe. But everytime just as it's getting good, its gone. I either wake up or just flat out don't remember. I'm not exactly sure what it means, and I've never been one to over analyze anything, so I've just decided to let it be. But still, a girl gets curious, especially that this person is a total stranger. He's not an ex, a secret crush or even recognizable. But my thoughts seemed to drift away into thinking about where my homework was and all the stuff I was going to need for school. I finished my breakfast and went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for school. I usualy don't wear any make up to school, but i figured since im going to be getting more eyes on me today than usualy a little wouldn't hurt.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
i wish i didnt dislike myself
i wish i wasnt so paraoid
i wish i didnt think everyone was out to get me
i wish i had more friends
i wish i had more people to go to
i wish i was out of this town
i wish i wasnt afraid of driving
i wish i had my license
i wish i had some where i could get away from everyone
i wish i had some one to adore me
i wish i wasnt so horny all the time
i wish i didnt get my heart broken
i wish i had more ambition
i wish my passion wasnt running out
i wish i didnt just wanna sit here all day and think about all the love that i want so badly and thought i had and realized too late that i didnt
i wish i wasnt obssesive
i wish i could figure out what was going on in my brain cause i dont even know how i really feel about everything its all too complicated for me to even understand
i wish i didnt have to wish so much
i wish i would stop checking my myspace
i wish some one would talk to me on myspace
i wish i wasnt so lonely
i wish others could see the optimism in all of this i am writing
i wish i didnt have so much ridiclous regret that i only have because i over think everysmall thing
i wish i could focus on one thing for more than 10 minutes
i wish i could take all the crap bottle up inside of me let it out
i wish i understood more
i wish i liked my friends more
i wish my friends were better
i wish i could just like some one and not have to get sick of everyone
did i already mention i wish some one would adore me?
i REALLY wish some one could adore me
i wish i didnt want some one to adore me so bad
i wish i could amaze some one, just once
i wish i could go back in time
i wish i didnt have this stupid regret
i wish he...fuck it...JUAN... was hurting as much as i am
i wish JUAN actually cared about me
i wish i didnt give up my virginty
i wish i didnt love sex so much
i wish i had some one to have sex with (aka some one who adores me, im not sexing again with anyone until they love me and i KNOW that they love meee)
i wish JUAN wouldnt have just IMed me.
i wish i didnt still fucking love him.
i wish i didnt wish so much
i wish i had more romantic books
i wish i was in those fucking books
i wish eveytime i tried to right my head wouldnt spin out of control until i didnt even know where the hell i am anymore
i wish.
Friday, December 1, 2006
5:08AM
i cant seem to find the strength in the mornings to get out of bed and face the world. it could be because of the late nights i stay up and think of everything i want to forget, or it could be that energy dissapears with motivation. all i know at this point is that ive never been so lonely and i really dont know what to do with myself anymore. i keep thinking of what could possibly happen to make me feel happy again and every time i draw a blank. these thoughts have consumed my mind theyve become all i can think about anymore. i know more than most that i definetly dont have a hard life. i have an amazing family and i know how much they all love me. they TRUELY keep me going everyday. i cant think of anything else i REALLY have to be there for me. not that im asking from them anything important, or that i really need them to be there for me that much. they have no idea of all these things im talking about they have no idea any of these thoughts are in my head. no one does. but i know how much they really care. i know all of this. but it doesnt change how i am feeling. i have nothing to live for. or maybe no one to live for. besides of course myself. i am inspiring myself everyday to make something more and take this isolated time to work hard in school and i want to so badly. but it is so difficult when your head is clouded with all these thoughts and concerns that wont go away. i know why i feel this way and i know who made me feel this way. this person has hurt me deeper than i could ever imagine. to live for some one who doesnt care if your alive or dead isnt living at all. thats exactly how i feel. no purpose to live. i know not to give up on life, nor do i want to. one thing i know i have and always will is the desire to live and to pursue happiness formyself and others that i love. but its still so painful. it doesnt take away how im feeling and im stuck in this rut and i cant get out i feel so trapped in these feelings. its so frustrating. this is how i feel. and this is because of some one who ive loved deeper than anyone else ive ever met in my life. i truely mean that. and the shame of that is that he wouldnt even take the time to read this if i asked. i really dont understand how someone could not care about someone who has to devoted their whole life to make them happy. i would have done anything he asked from me. i would have really given my life for his happiness. thats honestly all i ever wanted was for him to be happy and for him to LOVE me. but he never did, from day 1, he lied to me, he decieved me, he put himself before me, he abused the priveleges i gave him, and worst of all it didnt phase him one bit. i dont understand how this could happen to me. i didnt deserve this. no one in my position would ever desreve this. more than anything i am left in 100% shock. i really cant grasp the idea of it all. i dont even know the words to describe the way it makes me feel. it leaves a deep hole in the pit of my stomach is all. the balance was tilted so terribly i fell off and my got hurt. imagine everyhitng to care about in life and everything that you stood for and having some one there for you, then realizing it was all make belive and all the time you had spent had been for nothing, and you werent worth anything to the one who meant everything to you. my self esteem has been lowered so much that i realy dont feel worthy of any one. that is truely tragic to me. i used to have so much more respect for myself, but now a days i dont feel like im worth much of anyones time. its REALLY horrible feeling like this. i wanna stay up all night and sleep all day. i dont wanna face the world anymore. i feel ugly and horrible all of the time. i dont like people seeing me. i dont like looking in the mirror. going to school everyday is a trial and 1/2 i wish i could live in the night all of the time so i could hide myself if i need to. i cant hold on to any one im too afraid of getting attached, ive never been like this before. but i know how it really feels now. i know this has all been said and done before. but its all so new to me and so horrible. and the wosrt part is the only person who i want to be there for me is the one who caused it in the first place. its basicaly just a horrible circle im running in and its really getting worse by the minute. i will get over this but at this point im not even close...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
i loved your lips
but youd never kiss me
i loved your eyes
but theyd never meet mine
i loved you touch
but you wouldnt hold me
and all these perfections
have all gone to waste
and now all i see
is this guilt on your face
Monday, October 16, 2006
i did it all for affection
but you were focus on rejection
he loves me
he loves me not
this is now the final stop
you were just my biggest mistake
i was just a young heart to break
you wanted me to feel this ache
everything we had was so fake
you are not a good person
you werent even worth it
all i got from you
was an important lesson
never trust a stranger
protect your heart from danger
but baby i got stronger
i could even last longer
in this torture youve created
but baby some how i made it
Monday, October 2, 2006
i did it all for affection
but you were focus on rejection
he loves me
he loves me not
this is now the final stop
you were just my biggest mistake
i was just a young heart to break
you wanted me to feel this ache
everything we had was so fake
you are not a good person
you werent even worth it
all i got from you
was an important lesson
never trust a stranger
protect your heart from danger
but baby i got stronger
i could even last longer
in this torture youve created
but baby some how i made it
Sunday, October 1, 2006
im strangely optimistic
in sucha tragic state
i am be overwhelming
when i suffocate
look what all your mayhem
is doing to me now
how did i make this error
when i bearly made a sound
as im lieing on the ground
in so many peices
i am no longer one
this seperation
took sucha toll
because you have played
the scissors roll
and how can you be to blame
when ive sat patiently for so long
as i made you to be an angel
and nothing you did was wrong
but now i know i made this error
because i didnt make a sound
Monday, September 11, 2006
5:40PM
i wanna touch
i wanna feel
i wanna kiss
i wanna heal
i want you here
by my side
in life of fear
no where to hide
i need a temple
please be my temple
i need protection
please be my protection
i NEED to grow with some one
i NEED to learn to trust
i NEED to find true love
i NEED more then lust
please be mine
i dont know you
we havent met
but please be mine
i love you
but what is the point of love
if im in misery
i want you
but what you need
is to be set free
you have been
my everything
but i need to
just need to get away
ill never forget this
even if it wasnt fair to me
ill never regeret this
even if you were never there for me
i am empty
i am hollow
i am alone
seeking sorrow
i needa savior
some one to guide me
i need this beauty
to be set free
ill never forget this
even if it wasnt fair to me
ill never regeret this
even if you were never there for me
i am crying
out to you dear
please help me
please hellllp me
i am empty
i am hollow
i am empty
i am hollow
i am alone
seeking sorrow
Sunday, September 10, 2006
12:45PM
dont tell me love is destiny
when love is just decisions
dont tell me i dont know the end
when people live with such precision
ive come to base this on intention
all the things i can not mention
of what YOU are made up of
you or just reaction
no feeling from the heart
a race in circles could never be won
this was suposed to be for fun?
is this is fun
then torture is a miracle
this was just pure cinacle
to keep a girl from her dreams
and show her how to be decived
these words are just words
and these actions show right through
three hundred and sixty three days
but how could i have possibly known
ive never met this type
ive never felt this spite
Friday, July 21, 2006
I'm aching and i'm breaking
im trying to forget
cause ive never had this problem before
these words would never mean true
now im trying to forget you
thats what negotionting is for
now thats ive seen the light
and this truth has been set free
you have been hiding behind
love hidden lies and deceit
All i ever wanted
was to keep you safe
in my arms
All you ever needed
was to be set free
again and again and again
and im sorry for holding on
to this love
But its alright
now that i know
to never trust a stranger
never put myslef in danger
cause these risks are overated
dont take my advice for complaining
This was never perfect
not even close
you were the one
i needed most
to get away from
Now look what youve done
This is more then mutilation
not exactly self-degration
it was a losing battle
and we'll leave it at that
all i know is I'm never going back
never going back.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
the reasons you loved me
faded from your balloons
this is so ironic
so terribly ironic
when this magic happened
you got so much deeper in me
then youll ever imagine
these thoughts will live for ever
in my secret time capsule
but the past is so overated
a loveless life is anything but full
these thoughts repeat
in my head everyday
you couldnt leave me
but you couldnt stay
because its sucha tragedy
when evolution goes backwards
i thought we were through with this
i thought it was finished
but it had only started
you knew the end from the begining
you wouldnt spare me
you couldnt spare me
you needed this light to burn out
you needed to give me doubt
you wanted me corrupt
wanted me to fight for love
this evils been so inspiring
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
shes always been a quiet girl
she has such personality
but its wasted on reality
because she threw her life away
and shes been forced to stay
from the one that says he needs her
the one that says hed be there
but these actions are so much louder
then any word hes ever said
so all she has left
is such amazing thought in her head
and the future that she dreads
potential can be a life time
or ten minutes if its capped
she was meant to change the world
but the devil changed her 1st
there backgrounds could never intertwine
i could never make yours mine
ive got too much soul for that
this indepenence cant be matched
ive got such will to live
and you only want to die
when you get to the aftermath
our stubborn ways just hold us back
Saturday, April 1, 2006
most pathetic cry out for attention
that youll ever hear
cause it is just crying for attention
for a tiny glimpse of affection
i wana be your spotlight
i wana make you shine
all im really saying
is i wana make you mine
you always seem so far
even when your hands intwined with mine
this seperation came later on
this space took so much time
now i cant let go
but your already gone
because the farther you run away
the more you turn me on
like a new thing ive never met you
as were fucking on the floor
we might as well be starngers
i might as well be a whore
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
ive got darling run away with me syndrome
you know the antodote
baby you are my medication
please be my dedication
well all know your my infatuation
i wear that one on my sleeve
your my open heart disease
so you could be my medication
but medications overated
these side effects are even worse
im bleeding throught
im infected with in
i have no more heart
all i have left is sin
its killing the pain
but when will i heal
cause we all know this medication
and we know it isnt real
Friday, January 6, 2006
black with lust
& red with pain
i give "fuck me"
a bad name
because im shot with desire
as these shot glasses grow higher
& this sweet sweet poison
is driving me insane
trust me this is more then pain
known as the perfect death game
& now this life style
has become a death trap
& theres no looking back
i am not beautiful
dont look at me
i am not beautiful
dont look at me
your more self dectructive
my age is young
but so is the night
the battle is over
i didnt put up a fight
i know this poison life is glamourous
& it isnt really me
but with a little dirty corruption
baby it could be
I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL
dont look at me
I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL
dont look at me
your more self dectructive
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